I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I think my moral compass just broke
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
