I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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