no you cant smoke seaweed
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
