Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
