He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
