Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I understand Curling. That high.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
