Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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