I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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