Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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