You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
