When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
