Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
