Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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