I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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