If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
