someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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