I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Randomize