oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How does it feel to date your dad?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
