I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
