did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize