Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
