i barfeds in our rink
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Randomize
