it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
