i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
