Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
