I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i just had sex bonerless
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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