Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
