I just pynch a tree in the face
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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