it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
