turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
