I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
