I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
