When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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