my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
