the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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