i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
