I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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