what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
you never un-have a 4some
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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