I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
