I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
