sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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