The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
