I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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