the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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