I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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