and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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