Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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