Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
