Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
