He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
