I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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