I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
