my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize