and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
