This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
