the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My cat gives me a boner
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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