My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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