We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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