i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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